


we could be the way forward (and he feels like home)

by zinniia



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Maybe mild angst, Merhayes, currently canon complaint but that could easily change, evermore came out and i was inspired and i am also avoiding college finals by doing this but oh well, how did taylor swift get me back into writing fucking fanfiction, i keep sucking up every ounce of content in the merhayes tags, i think it's the potential, mcwidows - Freeform, merhayes has consumed me in a way i didn't expect, slowburn romance, so i figured i would contribute something too, the power she holds, which makes a me a bit afraid bc disappointment but oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:47:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28060395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinniia/pseuds/zinniia
Summary: grey had stared him down, met his every hit, and pushed back with a vigor that left him a bit stunned--not that he’d tell her that. cormac thought he’d left all that chutzpah back in switzerland with yang, but apparently not. / mcwidow. she resented that implication, thank you very much.ora look at the developing relationship between meredith grey and cormac hayes over the past and coming months.ormerhayes as inspired by lyrics from each of the tracks on taylor swift's "evermore."
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Cormac Hayes
Comments: 72
Kudos: 105





	1. wreck my plans (willow)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> starting mid season-16 and going on from there. currently canon compliant but that could easily change, depending on how the show goes and how quickly i get this done. 
> 
> (taylor made me do this.)
> 
> title is a combo of lyrics from "cowboy like me" and "long story short."

**1\. willow**

_ take my hand / wreck my plans _

* * *

It wasn’t that Meredith didn’t care that DeLuca had told her to “take some time.” She did. Kind of. He was fun and light and new-ish-- their relationship was-- but taking time meant lingering in this undefined relationship territory that she got to know way too well her intern year. She didn’t have the energy for that anymore, nor the patience. 

Meredith had just gotten her license back, and the lack of surgery had her nerves frayed beyond belief. All she wanted was to get her hands back on a scalpel and her body into an O.R. But, then Cristina decided to take her hand and completely wreck her plans. Well, partially. 

Enter Dr. Cormac “Obnoxious Irishman” Hayes. She knew someone would have to take over for Alex, eventually; she just didn’t expect it to be her “congrats-on-not-loosing-your-medical-license” gift from her Person. 

He had slightly backed down when she met him toe-to-toe, so she’d give him that.  _ McWidow.  _ She resented that implication, thank you very much. 

Meredith’s drive home detoured to the party store for some wine and then to the Karevs’ because this was bullshit. It didn’t matter that he kind of offered a truce in the elevator or that he was easy of the eyes. No, not one bit.

* * *

Cormac wouldn’t deny he was impressed as he made his exit down one of Grey-Sloan Memorial’s hallways. Meredith Grey had taken his initial expectations and thrown them out the window, and yet met them for all they were worth. When Yang had offered to give him a recommendation for Chief of Pediatrics at her old hospital, if he was interested, he figured it was a reasonable next step. The boys would be closer to Abbi’s family, and he’d get a change of scenery again. (Yang did have an odd enthusiasm for the idea, though.) 

It just so happened that his first day landed the week of the two-year-anniversary of Abigal’s passing. He figured he’d just glide through his first day without really bothering any of his fellow department heads. That turned out bloody well, didn’t it? 

Grey had stared him down, met his every hit, and pushed back with a vigor that left him a bit stunned--not that he’d tell her that. Cormac thought he’d left all that chutzpah back in Switzerland with Yang, but apparently not. But, if his limited time with Grey in the O.R. was any indication of her skills, she had earned every accolade she’s received. She could prove to be a valuable ally here. Hell, her name was all over the hospital. 

And the fact that the flames of passion Grey had for her career that flickered in her words and eyes were ones he hadn’t encountered with such ferocity since Abbi most definitely did not help explain the tug of fascination for her pulling at his mind. Not at all. 

* * *

Meredith sank into her bed, finally, her phone already attempting to FaceTime Cristina for the third time in a row. This time she was met with a black screen and a squawky and indignant, “What?”

“What are you trying to pull here?”

There was muffled shuffling before light and her best friend’s face filled the screen, her eyes glinting with amusement, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“My  _ gift, _ ” Meredith said with a roll of her eyes. 

Cristina failed to suppress the grin creeping across her face, “I haven’t heard a thank you.”

“I was expecting flowers, maybe some Swedish chocolates.” 

“Hey, those were your expectations, so your disappointments.” 

Meredith huffed, “Seriously, though, I’m not sure what you want me to do with it--him.” 

“I don’t-- whatever you want, Mer,” Cristina shrugged. “I didn’t send Hayes over with some nefarious plan. It just so happened that his moving lined up with your trial ending well, and I thought the two of you might get along in whatever capacity you want. I’m not going to lie and say the thought didn’t cross my mind, but if you end up hating each other, no skin off my back.”

“I know, I know, it was a joke of sorts.”

“I can send you some flowers if you want.”

“No, no,” Meredith laughed. “I’m perfectly content with the gift of having my job back and that glowing letter you wrote for me.” 

“It was pretty good, wasn’t it.” Cristina narrowed her eyes, “You didn’t end up totally hating him, did you?”

“He’s obnoxious.”

“So are you.” 

“He stole Alex’s job.”

“Karev quit on his own accord and then decided to renovate a crumbling hospital like a fixer-upper house on HGTV.”

“Hmmph… McWidow?” her voice dripped with disbelief. 

“Hey, it works!” Cristina let out a sharp laugh, “Admit it, he intrigues you, and you just don’t wanna admit that I could be right about this.” 

“I’m hanging up on you now."

* * *

“Dr. Hayes!” Miranda Bailey’s voice boomed in the quiet lobby of Grey-Sloan, making Cormac pause on his way out towards the front doors. 

“Chief Bailey,” he greeted. “What can I do for you?”

Bailey shook her head quickly, “Oh, no, nothing. I was just on my way out as well and wanted to ask how your first day went. I would’ve come by earlier but--”

“You’re busy running a hospital, I understand.” Cormac smiled, “It went well, at least, I think it did. The case I worked on and the surgery were a success, and everyone’s been quite pleasant, mostly.”

“Mostly?” Bailey’s pitch went up as if she was ready to go off on one of her babies about being disrespectful. 

“I, uh,” he rubbed the back of his neck as they headed out into the parking lot. “I worked the case with Dr. Grey, and we--”

“First day back; can that woman give me one day without her doing something to stir the pot,” Bailey cut in, talking more to herself than she was to Cormac. 

“It wasn’t anything bad, per se,” he rushed on to continue. “We just, butted heads over how to handle things at first, but Grey was the one who nailed the diagnoses on the first try by the scans alone.”

Bailey huffed, “Mhmm, I’m not surprised. She and I have ‘butted heads’ more times than I can count, but she’s brilliant and knows it too. And she cares, a whole damn lot, for everyone and everything in this hospital.”

“Ay, that I could definitely tell. To be fair, I could have come in with a bit less of an imperious attitude.”

Bailey came to a stop in front of her car, “If that’s your way of saying you held your own against Meredith Grey, then I say keep it up. God knows that woman could use a challenge, keeps her occupied and out of my hair.” She smiled at Cormac, “I’m pleased to hear you’re adjusting to Grey-Sloan; we’re grateful to have you onboard.” 

“I appreciate the opportunity,” he said, returning the smile before beginning to head towards his own car. “Have a good night, Chief Bailey.” 

“You too, Dr. Hayes.”

Cormac couldn’t help but smile to himself as he settled into his car. Grey certainly had a reputation that preceded her, and one that she’d earned by the sounds of it. Seattle might prove to be a bit more interesting than he initially thought after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! the plan is for this to be 17 chapters, one for each of the tracks on evermore (yes even the bonus songs, once i can get my hands on them). 
> 
> i'd really appreciate a kudos and any comments you have to offer!!


	2. leave me speechless (champagne problems)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place not long after "snowblind" in s16.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfsfadsfasdf kind of on a roll here i guess. (*cough*avoidingcollegefinals*cough*)
> 
> i'm enjoying this story so far! thank you for all the kind words on the first chapter!!

**2\. champagne problems**

_ you had a speech / you’re speechless _

* * *

It happened so fast that her brain couldn’t even process what was going on before it was over. Meredith was in surgery with Hayes--a little girl, seven-years-old, who had been pulled out of a horrific car accident--when she started crashing. 

Hayes had all but shoved her to the side, his voice nearly cracking when he shouted, “Move!”

Meredith’s first instinct was to bite his head off. How dare he treat her like that in her O.R. and just when they were starting to get along.

But then, her vitals stabilized, and everything was back on track. She met Hayes’ eyes, brows raised, but fury dropping off into confusion. Meredith hadn’t even been able to begin to assess the situation to figure out what was wrong before he had pushed her aside. 

Hayes blinked at her once, twice, before realizing what exactly he had done in the moment. He had the sense to look a smidge sheepish when he spoke, “Sorry, I had a similar case during my fellowship, and the same thing happened and--”

“It’s okay,” Meredith said, finding her voice again as she stepped back up to the table. “We’ve all had moments like that. Why don’t you fill me in on what happened, so I know what to look out for in the future?”

“It’s rare, but…”

* * *

Meredith let out a long breath as she made her way towards one of the storage closets. Amazingly, all the patients from the car crash had survived their surgeries with the recovery odds in their favor. Part of her felt a little ashamed for how fast she had wanted to jump down Hayes’ throat in the O.R., but she knew that was just an emotional reaction in the heat of the moment. He figured out what was going on before she did and acted how he needed to save the girl’s life. 

There was no time for explanations or trying not to step on anyone’s toes. Every surgeon she knew had been in a similar spot at one point or another. 

He was good. Well, she knew, in theory, that he was. They didn’t just hire anybody at Grey-Sloan, and he came with the Crisitina Yang stamp of approval, which said enough right there. Seeing Hayes in that O.R., though, she was grateful he was on their team. 

Meredith opened the door to the storage closet, making a b-line for the I.V. kits; they were running low in the E.R., and she needed a reason to step away from the chaos for a moment. She hadn’t even grabbed two when she heard a sniffle from behind the shelves. Putting the kits down, she peaked around to the other side. 

“Hayes?”

Cormac was sitting pressed against the lower shelves, legs bent towards his chest and elbows resting on his knees. His head was dropped low, only being propped up by one of his hands on his forehead. It took him a moment to respond, but slowly he looked up. He stared at Meredith for a moment before it registered that someone was even in front of him. Cormac took in a sharp breath before straightening his posture and wiping at his eyes, “Grey, I was just--”

“What happened?” Meredith stepped out fully in front of him, drawing a few feet closer. His eyes were rimmed with red and still a bit glassy; she could see the exhaustion swimming in them. 

“Nothing, really, just our case with the little girl got to me a tad.”

“But she’s okay. I just checked on her not an hour ago; she’s going to make a full recovery. You saved her life, Hayes.”

Cormac chuckled, “Well, I didn’t exactly do that alone.” He went quiet for a few moments, and Meredith just watched him as he collected his thoughts. 

“The, uh, similar case from my fellowship years that I mentioned earlier. It was the little girl who came in with an aggressive form of cancer when she was five. Her name was, uh,” he cleared his throat. “Her name was Imogen. I was on her case for the two years they were in and out of the hospital. She was a little firecracker and despised it when anyone would get sad for her. Even on the days she was feeling her worst, she would find the will to smile and crack a joke or two. 

“She was officially declared in remission about a month after her seventh birthday. Everyone was so excited and proud we threw her a little celebration, but she refused to take any of the sweets or gifts. Instead, choosing to deliver them to the other kids on the floor who were sicker than she was. Her parents loaded Imogen and her things into their car. She finally got to go home.”

Cormac stopped, looking up towards the ceiling as he tried to keep his breathing under control, “It wasn’t even two hours later that we got the call that a major trauma was coming in. There had been a bridge collapse about twenty minutes out. Imogen and her parents got caught in it. Suddenly, she was in our O.R. again with, uh, pretty extensive damage. 

“And the same thing that happened today happened then, but we didn’t catch it in time. Imogen didn’t even make it an hour into surgery. Both her parents survived, though, so, then we had to tell them that their little girl, who they were taking home that morning, was dead.”

He closed his eyes, taking in slow and deliberate breaths. Meredith lowered herself to sit next to him, placing a hand on his ankle, squeezing gently. She sat there next to him until his breathing quieted down, and he turned to look at her. The smile she gave was one of a kindred spirit, rubbing his ankle with her thumb a few times before standing up. Reaching out her hand to help him up, which he gratefully took, she got him to his feet. 

Meredith let go of his hand, moving to touch his shoulder to guide him toward the door, “C’mon.” 

* * *

They ended up in one corner of the tunnels, where Meredith pulled out an empty coffee cup filled with rocks and a half-used roll of tape that was tucked along the wall behind a spare gurney. Cormac watched with curiosity as she taped the cup to the wall after pouring out the rocks into her hand, then coming to stand next to him on the other side of the hallway. 

She held out half of the rocks for him to take, “Here.” 

He took the stones, looking down at them, back up to Meredith, before glancing at them again. She rolled her eyes with a smile, shaking her head at his confusion, “You’re supposed to throw them.”

“The rocks?”

“Yeah, the rocks, try to get them into the cup,” she said, pointing to the one she had just taped on the opposite wall. 

“ _ Why _ ?”

“Just do it.”

Cormac watched her out of the corner of his eyes as she began throwing her rocks, aiming to get them into the cup. She missed the first one, but the second one got in. He looked down at the stones in his hand, tightening his grip around them before relenting with a sigh. Why the hell not? 

Meredith’s laugh echoed in the empty tunnels when his first rock bounced off the wall way off target and came shooting back towards him. He sent a mock-glare her way, but she caught his eyes with hers and grinned so hard it was contagious. 

One by one, their rocks made it into the cup, until even the ones they missed with at first landed with the rest. Cormac got the final one in with a satisfying click. Meredith crossed over to unstick the cup from the wall before coming to stand next to him again. 

“So,” he hoisted himself up on one of the gurneys that sat directly behind them. “Mind telling me what the point of all of that was?”

She settled next to him, leaning back against the wall, their shoulders close enough that he could bump hers without really moving much. The rocks tapped against each other as she poured a few into her hand and started messing with them. “It’s this silly game Alex taught me years ago when I was having a rough go with Derek, during those moments where the emotions were so heightened my usual tricks for collecting myself weren’t working. You’re supposed to get so focused on trying to get the rocks in the cup that you hopefully have a bit more distance between you and the emotions by the end. Sometimes it takes more than one round. He said he picked it up from one of his foster brothers or something.”

“Well, I think it worked,” Cormac said. “So, thank you.”

Meredith looked up at him and smiled, “Anytime.”

Her eyes went back down to the rocks that she was rolling between her fingers. He could see how there was an uncharacteristic dip in her posture. Looking towards the wall in front of him, he cleared his throat, “Alex… that’s Karev, right? He was supposed to be my co-chief, but not so much anymore, apparently.”

“Yup,” she replied, popping the ‘p.’ Cormac could sense that a lot was going unsaid, so he let the quiet takeover until she decided she wanted to break it. 

It didn’t take terribly long.

“He’s in Kansas,” her voice was droll and monotone, like it’s the most lifeless fact in the world, but it caught a bit at the end, telling him it was anything but. She rolled her lips inwards, biting the edges and looking anywhere else but at him. 

“He’s in Kansas, and we found out through a fucking  _ letter. _ ” Meredith pulled her legs onto the gurney, shifting to sit cross-legged, so her knee was now brushing against his thigh. She clenched her fist around the rocks before taking one and launching it at the wall with a pathetic clack. 

“He left his job.”

_ Clack. _

“He left his wife.”

_ Clack. _

“He left his patients.”

_ Clack. _

“He left Bailey.”

_ Clack. _

“He left Webber.”

_ Clack. _

“And…” her voice trailed off as she looked at the leftover stones in her palm. 

“He left you,” Cormac said, voice soft but without a hint of pity, which Meredith appreciated. 

“Yeah, he left me too.” She paused before letting out a bitter laugh, “Part of me wants to hate him, but most of me can’t.  _ That _ is what is so infuriating. I understand completely why he did it.” 

“You were close.” It wasn’t a question. 

Meredith finally turned and met his eyes; she scanned them for a moment before nodding. “There were five of us as Bailey’s interns. We didn’t always get along, but they became family. Then, George died, and Izzie left, and suddenly it was me and Cristina and Alex. And it stayed like that for a while, until Burke offered the Klausman Institute to Cristina, and I knew she had to leave. We talk all the damn time, but my Person was physically gone, and it was just the two of us.

“Derek died, and I left, but then I had a baby, and Alex was my emergency contact, and then I was home. He wasn’t just my best friend anymore; he became my rock. My kids’ favorite uncle. My other Person. And then he gives me all this bullshit about how I’m my  _ own damn person, _ and I know I am, doesn’t mean I wanna be alone.

“Amelia and Maggie are here, and they’re wonderful. Jo too. Who I have no idea how to be there for because while I want to strangle Alex for putting her through this, he found out he had kids. Twins, with Izzie--they were married before  _ she  _ left him. And knowing Alex, I completely get why he moved to Kansas.”

“That doesn’t mean this entire situation doesn’t suck and that you don’t miss him.”

Meredith chuckled, her throat feeling thicker by the second. She took a breath, “Yeah, I, uh, I’m really gonna miss him.”

Cormac put his hand on the part of her thigh that rests just above her knee. The warmth of his hands surprised her. It seeped past the thin fabric of her scrubs, melting the chill that had settled into her skin. Her eyes slipped closed as she stopped trying to ignore the reality of the situation that part of her was always afraid of happening. 

_ “Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave.” _

And at some point, only one will remain. 

She doesn’t know if it was the physical exhaustion of the day getting to her, the emotional fatigue catching up, maybe a little bit of both; or the fact that she was lonely and he was next to her, and his company was a bit of a salve for her current state. Her arm pressed into his, and she let her head drop onto his shoulder. 

There was a split-second of muscle tension at the sudden contact, but it drifted away just as quickly. Meredith sunk deeper with a breath, her head rolling forward, so her nose met the edge of his collarbone. No one else was in the tunnels; no one was being paged. No one was leaving, and no one was dying. 

So, Cormac gave her leg a gentle squeeze and rested his head against hers. 

A small voice in the back of his head asked what  _ this _ was, and at that moment, he didn’t bloody well care. It didn’t matter because he was tired of feeling alone. And he wasn’t alone--maybe it was time to give himself permission to embrace that. Slowly. 

He could start right now in the tunnels on a spare gurney, surrounded by rocks on the floor and the knowledge that the little girl upstairs was alive. They could both try to be a little less lonely together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! i would very much appreciate a kudos and any comments you may have!! 
> 
> hope you are having a wonderful day :D


	3. what would it be like (gold rush)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> takes place in between s16 and s17 but before covid really hit in the show's timeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have an essay over due a week and i keep writing this instead of that. pls help. (thank you for all the kind support on the story tho, it means a ton!!)
> 
> (also i hope we get to see our boy tomorrow, even for a second. i miss him.)

**3\. gold rush**

_ everybody wonders what it would be like to / love you _

* * *

“How long has she been on the list for?”

Pierce’s voice caught Cormac off guard, snapping him out of his reverie. He looked up from the patient, “Almost two years, I think. She only recently got worse, which spiked her towards the top of the list. It was touch and go for a while; I thought the poor lass’s parents were going to pass out when I told her we had a set of lungs for her.”

“I can only imagine. I don’t know how you do it, finding a way to calm down frightened parents like that all the time. I mean, I have to do it every once in a while, but every day? Amelia and I could barely keep Mer from spiraling when Zola had to have a shunt revision last year.”

“Zola, that’s Grey’s oldest, right?”

“Yep,” Pierce said with a nod. “She and Derek adopted her from Africa when she was a few months old. I wasn’t here yet, but the stories I’ve heard about Zola’s adoption are some interesting ones.”

Cormac chuckled, “Does Grey have a story that  _ doesn’t _ fall under that category?”

“No, I really don’t think she does,” she shook her head in amusement.

He let a moment of silence lapse over the O.R. before he spoke again, “How’s Grey doing, by the way? Haven’t seen much of her these past few weeks.”

Pierce’s eyes met his, hers narrowing a bit before crinkling as she smiled under her mask, “Good, I’d say. She’s been busy between work, kids, checking in on Richard, and helping DeLuca.”

“Ay,” Cormac nodded with a raise of his brows. “Trust me, I understand. How’re the two of them doing?”

“Richard and DeLuca? Both are doing better. Richard, I know for sure, he’s recovering nicely from both the surgery and the poisoning. DeLuca, I’ve heard, is getting the right help, which is good, but beyond that, I’m not sure.” 

“Well, I hope they both have a speedy recovery.”

“Me too.”

The news about DeLuca’s diagnosis had spread through the hospital gossip chain almost as fast as his outbursts had. Cormac wouldn’t deny the young man had put him off after he witnessed a few squabbles between him and Grey, but the new context drew his opinion back to neutral territory. Mental illness was a bitch-and-a-half to deal with, so he was pleased to hear DeLuca was getting treatment. 

And Grey, well, she was as loyal as they come, so Cormac wasn’t surprised she was helping him out. He glanced up at Pierce as a thought crossed his mind before shaking it off and focusing on the surgery once more. 

She had hardly caught his inquisitive gaze and let out a breathy laugh, “What?”

“Nothing, just curious, but it’s none of my business.”

“Try me.”

“You and Grey,” he said. “You’re sisters, right? Or you, Grey, and Shepherd, actually?” 

“Ah, yeah, that’s uh--Mer’s technically my half-sister. We share the same mother, and Ellis gave me up for adoption when I was born. We met when I looked up my birth mom, and it led me here to Seattle, where I found her and Richard.”

“Webber?”

“Yeah, he’s my biological father.”

Cormac’s eyes widened for a moment, “That explains quite a lot. Is everyone in this place related?” 

Pierce laughed, “It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it? And Amelia is the youngest of the Shepherd siblings; Derek was her older brother. She and Mer were at each other’s throats after he died, but they worked things out.”

“That’s good. How’s the baby?”

“Oh my gosh, Scout is precious!” She probably spent the next ten minutes going on about her new nephew. “I have four nieces and nephews now--definitely not how I thought my life would turn out when I first got here.”

“No?”

“God no,” Pierce said with a mirthful scoff. “Let’s just say that Mer has a bit of track record of not hitting it off with sisters right away that dates back to before me.”

“There’s another one of you lot?”

The O.R. got quiet for a moment, “Uh, not mine, just Mer’s. You two know each other well enough at this point that if you ask, she’ll probably tell you.”

“Ask about what exactly?”

“About why it’s  _ her _ last name all over the hospital.” 

* * *

The dining room in the Hayes’ apartment was mostly silent, save for silverware clinking against plates. Cormac found himself able to not only get home before dinner but with time left over to cook. Spaghetti and a side salad may not be five-stars, but it was a nice change of pace from pizza. 

They had already run through the usual small talk of school, homework, grades, friends, and Cormac giving them the light version of his coolest case at the moment. He could feel Austin watching him from his right, mulling over a question in his head. His youngest kept looking to him, then to Liam, and then back to his food. 

“Hey, Dad?” 

_ Finally.  _

Cormac looked over at Austin, “Mm?”

“How come you’ve been home early so much these past few weeks?”

Not what he was expecting. “Why? You boys upset that you don’t have more time by yourselves to get into trouble?”

The brothers shared a look, “No, just wondering.”

“The timing of surgeries and paperwork has worked out, I guess,” he said with a shrug.

“Really?” Liam piped up from across the table. “Or is it because you and  _ Dr. Grey  _ ran out of whiskey?”

“I--” Cormac scoffed out of surprise, partially trying to hold back a smile at the insinuations of his son’s question. “I thought I told you lads to say out of my phone. I’ve had to change my passcode three times this year alone.”

Austin raised his eyebrows and said to Liam, “He’s avoiding the question.”

“Yeah, I noticed that too. I’ve also noticed how he’s mentioned Dr. Grey more than any other coworker since we moved here. Interesting.”

Biting his cheek to keep from laughing, Cormac looked up at the ceiling for a moment, as if trying to communicate to Abigail:  _ do you see what you left me here to deal with.  _ He let out a long breath, shaking his head, “Don’t you two have some video game you want to rot your brains playing?”

It didn’t take long for them to clear the table. 

* * *

The creak of the wooden floors alerted Cormac to his eldest son’s presence before anything else. He looked up from his office desk, where he was flipping through a medical journal. 

Liam stood at the edge of the doorway, dressed and ready for bed. It took a moment for him to talk, “I miss mom every day.”

Cormac nodded, fully turning in his office chair to face his son, confusion resting on his brow, “Ay, so do I.”

“I know, we both do. But, uh,” Liam rubbed the back of his neck.

“But?”

“Sorry for going through your phone; we’ll try not to do it again.”

“Okay,” Cormac said, still unsure of where this conversation was going. “Apology accepted.”

The boards squeaked as he shifted his weight from foot to foot, “Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that. Um, and that Austin and I both agree that we want you to be happy, whatever that means. ‘Kay, night.”

Liam was off towards his room before Cormac could get a word in edgewise. Letting out an amused huff, he spun around back to his desk. For as much as those two tested his patience and nerves, they were good kids. 

(And he did not mention Grey more than any other colleague.)

(Did he?)

* * *

Jo’s eyes caught Cormac’s, and he could see her shoulders bounce as she tried to suppress silent laughter. The patient on the table in front of them was a kid who Grey and Karev had treated the year before, back for a follow-up surgery. Grey had meant to be scrubbed in, but Jo showed up instead, saying that Zola was down with a stomach bug. 

That had gotten Helm going on about how impressed she was that Grey managed to balance being “a Catherine Fox award winner and a contender for the world’s best mom.”

Which was twenty minutes ago.

And Helm was still going, “And then I started reading this article Dr. Grey published, it was amazing. Did you know--”

“ _ Helm _ ,” Jo said, her laughter finally bubbling over. “If Meredith ever decides to write a biography, you should really ask her if you can write it.”

“Haha,” a rosy tint appeared below her mask. “Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.”

“Ah, don’t feel too bad lass, I’m sure we’ve all had our surgical idols at one point in time.”

Jo checked over the suture she let Helm do, “I thought you were well on your way to moving on from Meredith.”

“Oh, I am,” she said with a nod. “But, it is possible for me to not be in love with her while still greatly admiring her professionally.”

Cormac grinned, “Bit of a workplace crush, huh?”

Helm scrunched her nose, “Just a tad.”

“Trust me, Helm, we’ve all been there. Haven’t we, Dr. Hayes?” Jo said, her eyes meeting his, glinting with mischief. 

“Hmm, yes,” he replied slowly, giving Jo a pointed look. “I suppose we all have.”

“Right; you really get to know a person after spending so much time in an O.R. together, especially when you keep paging that one person even though there are plenty of other capable general surgeons available, myself included. Don’t get me started on those late nights spent holed up in an office, laughing over whiskey together--definitely starts to blur the lines.”

Helm leaned closer to Jo and whispered, “Isn’t that what people keep seeing with him and Grey?”

“Ahem,” Cormac abruptly and loudly cleared his throat. “Let’s wrap this up, shall we. I think we’re about ready to close.”

* * *

It’s three days later when Cormac is hiding his smile beneath another swig of whiskey, that he realizes he really needs to start avoiding doing surgeries with Jo. He ran into Meredith as they were both leaving their O.R.s after successful procedures. They got to chatting, and the next thing he knew, he was cracking open the bottle he had locked in a cabinet in his office once more. 

He was leaning up against his desk, while Meredith had claimed the entire loveseat perched on the wall to his right. She had kicked her shoes off and was laying back using the armrest as a pillow, going on about how exhausted she’s been. Cormac pushed off the desk and swiveled over his office chair, sitting so he was about a foot and a half from her head.

“Sounds like you’ve had a hell of a time lately.”

She sighed, “Yeah, but things hopefully will start getting back to normal. Andrew should be coming back to work soon.”

“Good to hear he’s doing better. He’s lucky to have you lookin’ out for him, Grey.”

Meredith craned her neck back to meet his eyes, “I didn’t do much, to be honest. His sister, Carina, has been the one by his side more often than not. I’ve just been checking in, making sure he knows he still has at least one friend when he gets back here.”

“Is that all the two of you are? Friends?” Cormac tried to keep his voice as objectively curious as possible. 

Pursing her lips, she pulled herself into a sitting position, reaching down to grab her glass that she’d set on the floor. After nursing a sip, she spoke up, “On my end, at least. I mean, even before my trial, I was having doubts. When I told him I loved him, I meant it; I did. But, saying that brings into question the future and logistics and whether or not we want to build something together like that. And I’m not saying we couldn’t, or that it couldn’t work. I just don’t know if I want to. 

“When he broke up with me or told me to ‘take some time’ or whatever, I didn’t really feel anything. It was just, oh well. I don’t need all the theatrics, drama, and explosions all over again, but if I’m going to start to build a future with someone, I feel I should care more than  _ oh well. _ I don’t want to stay with it just because it’s there and it’s safe, and it’s someone to make the night’s less lonely.”

He nodded, “I get what you mean. Abbi, we weren’t big and dramatic. I don’t remember fireworks on our first kiss or feeling like I would die if I didn’t see her every day. But, as we fell in love, she also became my best friend. She was the first person I wanted to go to with my problems or to tell when anything good happened. And I think if you’re looking to see if someone is a potential life partner, that’s important.”

“I mean, Cristina was here for most of my relationship with Derek, but yeah, she and he were the two people I’d go to first for almost anything. Andrew’s not even in the top three--he never really was. I remember telling Alex that I didn’t want to fall in love again, not until it felt like family.”

She brought her glass back up to her lips and let it rest there for a while, not really taking a sip. Her gaze was locked straight ahead at the wall, seeming to become lost in thought. Cormac’s drink rested on his knee, fingers loosely keeping it in place. He noticed as her empty hand came up to rest on her collarbone, palm pressed into the skin. She did that a lot, he realized; when she was thinking or worried or relieved, she would curl her forearms into her chest. 

“I--” Meredith started, snapping him out of his daze. “I loved Andrew, and I still care about him and his wellbeing, but I think I know that I’ve never been  _ in _ love with him.”

“You think you know?” Cormac gently prompted. 

She met his eyes and lowered her glass from her lips, “No, I know, I know. I never was in love with him or even falling in love with him. And I don’t really want to.”

“Does he know that?”

Meredith shook her head, “I wasn’t going to drop that on him amid everything he’s going through. That’s just mean. Once he feels good enough to be back at work, though, I’m going to make sure we’re on the same page.”

Cormac raised his glass in response, “Sounds like a solid plan.”

He took a long swig, letting the burn of the alcohol down his throat distract from the pleasant little twinge in his chest that showed up when she said she wasn’t in love with DeLuca. He wished he could take a drink every time that twinge showed up, but then he’d be battered off his ass in the middle of work. Maybe the twinge wasn’t even related to Grey; the rates of Covid-19 cases in the Seattle area had been steadily rising. 

Finishing off his glass, he nudged her foot with his to get her attention, “Can I ask you about something I’ve been wonderin’ about?”

“Of course.”

“Why is it that you have your last name plastered all over the hospital?”

“Other than the fact that I own part of it?”

“Last time I checked, your name wasn’t hyphenated.”

Meredith smiled, but it quickly faded as she got a faraway look in her eye. She scrunched up her face for a brief second, “It’s not a pleasant story.”

“Well, I’m willing to listen if you’re willing to talk.”

“The Grey comes from my little sister, Lexie Grey, and the Sloan from Derek’s best friend, Mark Sloan,” she started, eyes closing for a second before meeting Cormac’s once more. “They were both doctors here. It happened during my fifth year of residency…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! a kudos and any comments you have to offer are much appreciated!!
> 
> i hope you all are doing really well : D


	4. missing your smile ('tis the damn season)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and so the dreaded covid storyline begins (don't worry it won't last too long here).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahahaha i'm not dead. so... this started as an intense adhd hyperfixation during first semester exams. and then i promptly moved on to a different hyperfixation a week later. 
> 
> i still really like this story though and what i have planned for it!! so, it's still gonna get done, but just, as i will myself to do it when i want to. 
> 
> i will do my best to be reasonable with updates. hopefully no six-month-long hiatuses. but, uh, we'll see! 
> 
> (thank you for the amazing response to this story though!! honestly it was rereading some of the comments that got my ass in gear and pushed me to finish this chapter! ya'll are amazing < 3)

**4\. ‘tis the damn season**

_i won’t ask you to wait / if you don’t ask me to stay_

* * *

_“Derek!”_

_Meredith could see her late husband standing down the beach, waving like a madman with a grin on his face, “Meredith!”_

Then there was darkness and the sensation of body heat on either side of her head.

“I need rapid response, oxygen, and gurney now! Go! Hurry up!”

_Crashing ocean waves, a rock shore._

_“Meredith!”_

“Can you hear me, Grey? Grey? C’mon stay with me, Grey.”

An all-too familiar Irish lilt. A chilled dampness clinging to her back. 

_The grin she missed with every cell in her body. Hair she dreamed of being able to run her fingers through again._

“I'm here, don’t worry. It’s gonna be okay. I’m right here, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

_“Meredith!”_

“I got you.”

* * *

Cormac felt his body pulsating with every rapid heartbeat. His breaths were coming in rapid gulps of air at this point, his body desperately trying to calm down after his race from the parking lot to the E.R. while pushing a gurney holding an unconscious Meredith Grey. Hunt and Altman took over almost immediately, asking him quick-fire questions about what condition he had found her in. 

“Collapsed, good pulse, shallow breaths,” he managed. “No signs of head trauma, but we should page neuro just be sure.”

“On it,” Simms called from across the room. 

The medical jargon he could usually keep up with became gibberish as he watched them take her stats. Slowly the adrenaline was leaving his system, but all he could remember was the spike of terror that shot up into his chest before pooling in his stomach when he saw her body lying there on the pavement. 

_“--ayes!”_

“Dr.--”

“Cormac Hayes!”

A commanding voice brought Cormac back to the present moment. Turning to his left, he saw a concerned-looking Chief Bailey sitting in a wheelchair being pushed by Schmidt. His head snapped back towards Grey, “She needs, I found, I, uh--”

“ _Hayes_ ,” Bailey interrupted, voice stern but soft. “You might have saved her life. You did good, but Altman’s already suggesting Covid, seeing where Grey’s been working. You were in surgery with her today, right?”

He nodded. 

“Look, we’ve got her from here. You need to go get yourself tested.”

“But, I--”

“But, nothing. You’re not in full PPE like Hunt and Altman, and you possibly exposing others isn’t going to help Grey. Please.”

Cormac took a couple of deep breaths, letting his eyes fall shut for a moment, “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

He can’t seem to sit still. It hadn’t even been ten-minutes since he was swabbed for the rapid-Covid test, and the results took at least twenty. Cormac kept unlocking his phone and checking his messages. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking for. 

He didn’t care about the bloody test results.

(Please don’t die.)

Cormac’s stomach twisted in snarls of worries, and his brain was begging to be distracted, but social media would just remind him that the rest of the world collapsing too. The feeling that he should call someone kept popping up, and he wasn’t sure why. Most of the attendings were people who had known Grey ages prior to his arrival; they would take care of informing her sisters. 

Her “twisted sister,” on the other hand… but those who knew Grey likely also knew Yang and were aware of how close the two were. There was no way she wouldn’t know within the next day. That wasn’t his responsibility. 

(Please don’t die.)

And yet, Cormac found himself pulling up Yang’s contact information, his finger hovering between “messages” and “call.” He settled on texting.

_I found Grey collapsed in the parking lot less than a half-an-hour ago. Last I saw, she was under the care of Altman and Hunt. They’re thinking Covid, but the test results are still pending. Figured you might want to know._

He locked the screen and placed his phone face down on the desk. The beginnings of a headache began to arise between his brows, and as his adrenaline high crashed, his limbs became heavy with the longing for sleep. His mind, however, didn’t follow suit. 

(Please don’t die.)

* * *

The following days passed in a blur. Cormac was exhausted, functioning on autopilot, and barely able to muster up a smile for his boys. There was a constant tinge of worry in the air since Meredith’s diagnosis. The peds floor was still relatively slow, so he buried himself in paperwork and got to know his patients better--anything to keep his mind occupied.

She was doing better, much to his relief. 

He had swung by the Covid floor the day prior under the guise of seeing if he could help. At least, that’s what he told Pierce. And himself. He keeps pushing away the thoughts about how much his talk with Grey over video chat had eased the tension in his shoulders. She looked frailer than should be allowed for someone with her level of grit. But, she still kept up with his banter, and he didn’t need sleep, not after seeing the crinkle of her crow’s feet when she smiled at him under her mask. 

Mostly, Cormac kept to himself in his department. Or, that was his intention, at least. Somehow he ended up rationalizing to himself a variety of various reasons to go to the Covid ward. And since he was already up there, it never hurt to swing by Grey’s room and glance in the window, just to see how she was doing. 

Grey had been doing better, but now she was being kept past her initial release day. And she was rarely alone. The faces he saw most often were Altman and Deluca, followed closely by Webber, Bailey, and Pierce. She had her team, her family. 

So, he kept to the window. 

* * *

Jo was annoyed. Not just slightly, tingling in the back of her mind. No, viscerally irritated. She could feel it running through her nerves, lighting up the surface of her skin. He was just watching her like a lost puppy--sad and pathetic. 

She just got dumped by her husband over a letter before being thrust into a global pandemic as a practicing medical professional. She was worried for Meredith too, one of her closest friends, thank you very much. And she was handling better than Mr. Whiskey in the Dark and Peering Through the Window over there. 

Jo imagined pounding her hands on his stupid shiny bald head until he wised up and actually visited her _in her room_ if he was that concerned. It brought her some relief to the overwhelming vexation. Playing that scenario in her mind now and again made it manageable. That is until she was forced into a room with him for several hours performing an emergent surgery on a fifteen-year-old. 

The air in the room wasn’t pleasant. Jo’s movements all had an edge of aggression to them, her answers were short, and whenever she had to look at him, there was disdain apparent in her gaze. But, she was doing her best to keep her cool and not rip him a new one. Because, really, it wasn’t him she was pissed at. The world was on fire, and for some reason, he was getting on her last nerve, therefore becoming the main target of her outrage. Admittedly (begrudgingly) somewhat unfairly. 

“I know they say some looks can kill, but I don’t seem to be gettin’ any deader.” 

Jo’s eyes snapped up at Cormac’s first attempt to converse with her about something other than the surgery at hand. She pursed her lips and fought back rolling her eyes before focusing on her sutures once more. 

“C’mon, I get if you’re having a bad day, but takin’ it out on me--”

Jo set her instruments down sharply, meeting his eyes with a glare, “Oh, you think I’m taking it out on you now? I’ve been trying to avoid taking it out on you for days!” 

Cormac blinked, “Days? Now what on the bloody Earth did--”

“You do?” Jo interrupted. “You stand there. You stand there gazing into her window, looking like the family dog that got put outside during dinner time. You probably think no one notices; well, they do. It’s pathetic.” 

“Pathetic?” Cormac scoffed.

“Yes! Pathetic. Because before that, you and Meredith were having your little whiskey nights pretty often. You wanna know what they call people who hang out like that? Friends. You wanna know who’s allowed to go visit Meredith _in her room?_ Her friends. 

“So stop acting like your one of the goddamn outcasts and move past the window before I throw you through it.” 

Cormac took a deep breath, seeming like he was about to respond, before letting it out with a sigh. He nodded at Jo for a second because she wasn’t entirely wrong and turned back to finish his part of the surgery. 

Jo’s eyebrows raised in slight surprise. Maybe that worked. She felt better at least. 

* * *

Personally, he thought as he gradually opened the door to Meredith’s room, Jo could’ve been a smidge nicer about it all. But, now, he was entirely within the perimeter of her room, so he didn’t have to worry about anyone tossing him through a window anytime soon. 

Visiting hours had ended when he was getting suited with PPE. He didn’t bother turning on her lights; she was sound asleep. She’d been spending an increasing amount of time unconscious, which seemed to be going in the opposite direction than what they were hoping for. 

That definitely was the case with Abigail. 

Cormac shuffled forward, stopping about four paces from the bed. He could just make out the outline of her face in the dim light the hallway provided. She was on her side, facing him, one hand curled up close to her face. Smooth hair was resting across her cheek, and part of him wanted to brush it away. 

He didn’t move. 

The sound of a door opening had begun to pull her from her subconscious, but she didn’t open her eyes. She figured it was Andrew or Teddy rechecking her vitals or something. Then, there were no sounds of further movement. That made her gently blink her eyes open to squinty slits. Blocking most of her limited field of vision was the lower half of a body dressed in full PPE, just standing there. In the dark. 

Meredith blinked a few more times, adjusting to the dim light. Tilting her head up slightly and opening her eyes wider, she found a face she had only really seen through facetime or in flashes as he passed by her room. His eyes met hers, so she knew he knew she was awake, but he didn’t react. 

Hayes was just _there._

A thought passed through, asking if maybe she was dreaming? She considered that, but if she was dreaming, she was now aware she was dreaming. Lucid dreaming--she’d done it once or twice in the past. Meredith remembered being able to control her dreams in that state. 

She tried willing Hayes to talk or move. Nothing. Okay, so maybe she wasn’t dreaming. The fuck was he doing standing in the dark? But, she couldn’t find enough energy within her to talk. 

Her eyes stayed locked with his until she felt the lull of sleep pull at her again, and her lids slowly shut. 

Cormac breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Grey begin to drift off. The point of coming when he did was so that she would be asleep. If Jo had noticed his behavior, he wouldn’t be surprised if Grey had to. And if not, Jo had most certainly brought it to her attention right now. 

Knowing Grey, she’d poke at him about it, and he wasn’t sure what he would say in response. If she asked why he’s not sure he would know the answer. Or, maybe he would; he just isn’t quite ready to admit to himself what it is. What it means. 

And so, he slunk out of her room, scrambled out of the PPE (which was becoming more restricting by the second), and retreated to his office. As Cormac slouched in his chair and his hand went to unlock the familiar amber stash, Jo’s words from earlier in the day echoed in his mind. 

“ _Pathetic.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! a kudos and any comments you have to offer are much appreciated!!
> 
> i hope you all are having a great 2021 so far! : D


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